My Yesterday came to an end eight years ago in 2000, when I was 54. A scary and obscure medical term, “Parkinson‘s”, entered not only my vocabulary but also my everyday life. My mind worked tirelessly, trying to answer a hundred questions. At the same time, I created an illusion that I would find a doctor who would deny the diagnosis. This search led me far away to the United States but Parkinson’s was waiting for me there too.
Yesterday, I took walking for granted. Yesterday, even running was easy. Yesterday, my hands didn’t flutter like the wings of a dying butterfly. Yesterday, my voice was loud and clear. I was the master of my own body. Do I long for yesterday?
Yesterday Parkinson’s seemed so far away
Now I know it will forever stay
Oh, how I long for yesterday!
Suddenly, I’m not the woman I used to be
Parkinson’s is changing all of me
Oh, it came so suddenly.
Day by day, step by step, I walk hand in hand with Parkinson’s. I am still not sure whether the steps that I have been climbing lead to the victorious top of hope and peace, or down into a wheel-chair. Probably, both are true. Living with Parkinson’s means ups and downs. If every step could speak, what amazing stories of my metamorphoses they would tell.
Step 1: would call itself SHOCK & FEAR. Am I going to end up shaking, drooling, voiceless and disabled as some famous people I have seen on television? When is it going to happen? God, be merciful, let this cup pass me by.
Step2: DOUBT & DENIAL. What if the doctor has made a mistake? I need to double check the diagnosis.
Step3: FRUSTRATION & DEPRESSION. I am physically fatigued and afraid that my students and colleagues will notice the change in my gait and handwriting. How long will I be able to hide the signs of its progression?
Step 4: ESCAPE. 2005. Five long, dark years of getting to know my enemy led me to two roads that diverged in front of me – traveling the dark one and being helpless, abandoned and hopeless, or searching for support and supporting others. I took the less-traveled road and it has made all the difference.
Step 5: SUPPORT. In October of the same year I set up a Parkinson‘s Support Group and what a joy! I am no longer a lonely traveler. Finally, I am free to speak, to write and to act. My life with Parkinson’s is hot news in local newspapers .
Step 6: NEW LIFE. 2006. I retired after working 37 years as an English Language school teacher. “When God closes a door, He opens a window”. For five years I had lived behind the closed door fighting with fear, depression and hopelessness. The open window is true friends in local, national and international Parkinson‘s Associations with whom I share not only my skills and ideas, but also my heart.
